Humanity: yet what is exactly humanity? what we call ourselves, what we describe ourself as, what we think we are, and yet, what is anyone else perspective on our existence? what is an human? it’s a fleshy living being, that’s what i am, but i don’t wanna be seen as one of them sometimes.
Every year, i question what my purpose was, life has no purpose, that’s what the so called humans say: you either die alone or enjoy your worthless existence, but there is something simple that ends this: i was the only one born with a purpose, or that’s atleast what everybody think, but then: is there a reason why it’s all so miserable?
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June 13, 19:52
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The body of a man i never got to know, nails pierced though his now unrecognizable pale skin, the liquid that escaped his wounds was a dark, crimson red similiar to the color of our sky, a contrast to his fully white body, a contrast to everything that resembled who he used to be, this wasn’t new to me, neither to many others here.
Ever since the failed rebirth of our world, this has become apart of my quote on quote blessed life, my eyes are always getting fixated on the deads, always scattered around this land of chemicals and other disgusting shit, slowly destroying us everyday, every night, everytime, yet i am the one who as to clean up everything, “Saint Aaria caro is the chosen one”, that is the reason i am so active, as of now, there is probably still more work that i have to subject myself to, but the thought of me having to see different drooling vessels like these in a single day makes me want to puke, i despise it.
Cutting the crap and i managed to cause the cross with the lifeless man flop on the ground, immediately i took out all the bloody nails, i felt dirty the entire time, and out of my backbag that i used only for moments like these, i picked up a large body bag, the worst thing i ended up doing was grabbing that thing and slowly putting it inside that wretched hole, with my cloth getting more dirty in the process.
“…Are they ever gonna get tired of letting me do this?” i sighed
Wandering though the land of the doomed, a single thought was consuming me, how long is this gonna go on?
This one was by far the harder one to get rid of, didn’t even bother to take a look at my awful surrounding while getting to my destination, i was in this country for as long as i can remember and yet, the only thing my brain that consumes me when i look at this place is homesickness, even if i’m not able to remember anything before that aborted rapture.
Finally, i had arrived to the back of my church, the furnace was ready for another day of sending the souless one directly to hell, my blood stained hands opened it, i didn’t even bother to look at the body bag as i was for some reason able to throw the naked fat one like a ragdoll, closed the incinerator, and turned it on, were those days working in the gym truly worth it? then i should have used them earlier, why wasn’t i able to do that?
The plain sound of the fire molesting my ears almost everyday..refusing to hear it i avoided it, at this very point it was evening, i got lucky that the same place i worked in was not far from my new house, so i took the opportunity to brutally torture my legs again.
The daily routine was always going to continue, unless i eventually take my originally fulfilled role and end everything, am i ready?
“Yesterday was today, Today is today, Tomorrow will be today…”
Is time truly real? Is our world really spinning if it’s always the same thing over and over again? i wish, the red sky was slowly getting darker and darker, soon it’s going to be a black hole, sucking the whole town with it’s never ending despair, over and over again.
Although it was hard to even try to look around, i knew what place it was, i know how many steps i always have to take to go from to church to my house, my mind knew that i had arrived, taking the key hidden in my hat, i unlocked the door, giving myself the daily rare smile of the weekend, even if it wasn’t going to last long.
Greeted by the light, i limped into the couch, devastated, as my sweating hand touched one of the cushion on the left, as i layed down the sofa, but the similiar noises of small bird flying got my attention, when my ears got it, i suddenly felt shiver down my spines.
“Aaria! You’re finally back?”
An orange creature, face half white with a yellow halo and dress fell right on my lap, while he was only 3 easter eggs tall, his weight still destroyed me, almost the entirety of america might be aware of his existence, including me.
“You haven’t been here in 8 hours! what were you doing?!” he said, that high pictched voice was always the one that threw me off the most, more than anything.
“You are always trying to disturb my last second of peace! leave me alone!”
His name is AN, everybody refuse to call him that though, he is often called “Shithead” so much to the point he can’t recognize it anymore as an actual insult, it still calls himself my assistant even though i have been trying so hard to distance myself from the stinky breath he forces me to smell.
“I don’t understand anything, you always say these things to me when i am just trying to bring you closer to me…” his small hands started crawling on my chest, i know what he wants to do.
“Your prime days are gone! i am not longer a kid and you need to stop trying to take care of me!” i yelled poking his brainless head with a single finger, and he was already going crazy over it, his eyes dilatated and for some reason it was the thing that got him to stay back from me.
“You…Ungrateful..” couldn’t even finish the sentence.
“I am begging you, this was a long day and i know you do this often but it’s time to take a break, you need to interact with people other than me.” i watched him slowly fly away with his yellow wings.
“How am i supposed to do that if nobody likes me?!”
“You need to be less…” i got slightly up to make eye contact with the squishy orange “…less creepy you know?”
“I am…” He suddenly lost his measurement, and fell again, this time on a carpet that represented what was a blue dove
“I- I AM NOT CREEPY!” he cried out loud, AN rarely ever gets hurt from these stuffs happening to him, it made me oddly jealous.
“Aaria, are you really going to sleep on the sofa anyway? you haven’t even putted on your pajama! how old are you at this point if you can’t do any of the basic things?!”
“Today was an hard day for me ok?!”
“I could count how many times you said that to me! i tired of you having to rely on me!”
Darker and Darker, trying to talk to anybody was a waste of time, i just let him shout at me despite the high stress, my brain was too fried to interact with anything at that point, i am anxious over the fact they might believe i am overreacting, my heart is still beating, and it will forever have the same movements as long Jesus is with me.
One day, he is just going to get closer.
And closer…
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June 14, 10:28
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There are times where you just own a strong need to neglect life itself, but it’s a distinct case for me, any tries to take a break always led to more and more misery.
i’ve made attempts to let somebody else do the exact similiar shit i do, but the town, they find this idea deplorable, it’s because they would rather hang themselves instead of ever aknowledging the tasks my role assign me.
But it’s never like hope is lost, that mindset is the one that is going to ruin everything once again.
“Is anyone here?” Simple yet affective words entered though the wooden, almost broken door.
I was practically digging myself on the couch, forehead kissing the pillow, unable to tell the time my eyeball saw the light of the ceiling, all i desired was to relax at the moment, but i couldn’t stay like this forever, as i paid attention to a loud knock.
The floating AN opened the thing for me, and that’s where i took a look at where the sound came from.
a woman with green eyes and a purple polka dot ribbon that tied her curly hair, the necktie had a similiar pattern too, she was much more larger and taller than me, holding a small bag.
“Oh..Hello!”
the angel flynched at the sight, making him fall on the ground yet another time, how were his legs still lively even after these stuffs happening everytime to him?
The girl looked down the pavements, worried “Hello- W-what was your name again?”
“AN! IT’S AN YOU FILTHY MONGREL!” i didn’t gain the courage to shut him off, how was he so proud of himself anyway?
“..Sometimes i really do wonder why they named you that…Anyway is Aaria here? i was looking for her specifically…” her unbothered face said awhile moving though the living room, then she went near the soft settee, i could already tell what her expression was: anger.
“Aaria! are you still sleeping?” that’s where my front practically left the white wool, taking a glance at her, needless to say i felt ashamed of myself for refusing to interact with her earlier, but it wasn’t like i was forced to do it.
“V-Viola..Good morning- Wait..what are you even doing here?” the rest of my chest was still pretty much melting on the sofa
“You asked me if we could go talk together somewhere more private, did you already forget?! i saw that message YESTERDAY!”
Viola Flower wasn’t recognised as a legit therapist anywhere, but i considered myself one of her most important customers even if she didn’t own any genuine license, we have been best friends for as long as i can remember, back in high school or even older times.
“Why are you even bothering trying to keep being close to her?” said the not-so fallen angel
“She asked me to come here!” Viola and AN barely ever interacts with eachother, although when they do..i never stop thinking about it later.
“I…i don’t remember doing so though.”
“Well that’s your own problem! you want me to show the message on my phone?” she expressed, in a more rude manner, a rare sight.
“No- i understand…” she held my arms, basically forcing me to get up, my shoes touching the floor.
“Are you planning to change your clothes?” the orange disgrace pointed at the blood on my blue fabric, one of the only times AN was useful was when he was making me remember how absoluely distressing my “job” was.
“Is..that blood Aaria? did you hurt yourself again-“
“..N-no don’t worry it’s..ketchup! i just ordered tons of fries yesterday..” I never had the guts to tell her about the odds i am forced to do, but why did i always feel guilty about it?
“Oh..so you have been eating more lately?” she smiled
“Y-YES OF COURSE! DO YOU GENUINELY BELIEVE I WOULD EVER STARVE MYSELF?”
“Well coming from your personal guardian: you still didn’t have breakfast today so-“ before he could finish, i knocked his head with my feet.
AN has a more squishy skin, meaning he isn’t able to bleed out or get any bruises, if he was an actual god messenger he could be able to feel something, but he is fully artificial, turning him into more of a punching bag.
“OW! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!”
“AN..you don’t have to worry, i have some candies that Aaria can eat at the library” she held my shoulder, but i took a step back.
“Library? we are going in a library of all places!?”
“I..i thought you liked reading though? why do you even work in a church in the first place if you don’t like reading?”
“I- like reading but there is just nothing too interesting going on there!”
“But you like it that way, don’t you?”
“…” She knew me more than anybody else, and that was my greatest weakness.
“Alright, we are going in…BUT I AM CHANGING MY CLOTHES FIRST!” i ran up the stairs, but before fully entering on the second floor..
“By the way, i have bought a new bicycle because i know you don’t like walking all the way to any building”
“YEAH THANK YOU!” and i got out of there.
“…you’re..welcome..”
And so it was the beginning of another day
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